One Man's War

It is more than 40 years since I personally declared war on the United States of America in a brief note to the ambassador. For added gravitas I wrote it on proper paper with a fountain pen. Obviously I wasn't entirely sure of the rules, and imagined a possible scene in the Grosvenor Square Embassy mail‑room:

A: Uh oh, we've got a declaration of war here

B: Who's it from?

A: Some kid called David Watson

B: Is it in fountain pen?

A: Yes

B: Does he have any weapons of mass destruction?

A: It doesn't say

B: OK, file it under "Won"

I can't remember what prompted me to this dangerous course of action, but for several weeks afterwards I kept an eye open for strike bombers over our house, and travelled to school as if moving through enemy territory – keeping to the shadows, zig‑zagging across open spaces and wearing a false moustache.

I wondered how the official reply might read – eg:

Dear Mr Watson,

Thanks for your note of the 15th inst. declaring war. We accept, on condition that you sign the Geneva Convention.

Yours sincerely,

The US Ambassador

I mean, when countries declare war on you is it essential to write back to make things official? Or is it enough simply to have a flight of stealth bombers attack your TV station?

Anyway, at least such a reply would have given me a way out. I mean, where do you go to sign the Geneva Convention? Geneva? The Post Office?

However, they never wrote back, leaving me in limbo. When you're entirely on your own, war can be fairly time‑consuming and, what with homework, piano lessons and puberty to deal with, I didn't manage to extract as much value from it as I'd have liked.

With the prevailing level of pocket money, finance was obviously my biggest problem. With more resources I could at least have had some of the paraphernalia – an espionage operation, secret passwords, propaganda, medals, etc.

Of course it says something about the Special Relationship between our countries, or perhaps the embassy filing system, that I had no problem getting a US visa 15 years later. However, the fact remains that I may still be technically at war with America, which is a slight worry.

However, while it has been a rather lonely struggle, there have been no casualties and no problems with reconstruction. In addition, I get to write the history of it, so when I’ve nothing better to do …

In the UK we’ve been tempted, rather unfairly, to see Iraq as one man's war also – Tony Blair’s. But he didn’t so much declare war on Saddam’s Iraq as commit to solidarity with Bush’s US. His real one man’s wars were in Kosovo and Sierra Leone, where he came out on top, so I’m glad I didn’t declare war on him.

If he hadn't finished me off by now he'd have handed me over to Gordon Brown last week - a man who's been at war with me, and most other people, for 10 years already. And I think he's winning.