Empty Vessels

We knew Blair’s government would be for airheads from the moment they decided to proceed with the Millennium Dome. This monument to British Lite Culture was supposed to attract visitors from around the world (apparently a benefit) by, er … well, that was the problem.

We instantly spotted the empty dome as a metaphor for Blair’s Britain, which at the time was just a massive election win with no content. Of both we asked “what are they going to put in it?”

The government began by using the Emperor’s New Clothes strategy – telling us that, whatever it was they put in the dome, it would be utterly fantastic. Then they switched to the Exception Ploy, announcing things which were not going to be in it, and checking our reactions.

Our collective poker face held firm, so they flew to Disneyland on a fact-finding mission, a move which told us 95% of what we needed to know.

From the moment it opened, in a blitzkrieg of overwrought security, it was a disaster, losing eye-watering amounts of taxpayers’ money and thus continuing the government metaphor.

The thing was divided into zones, designed to answer big questions, such as:

WHO ARE WE? This is a good question as it happens, especially in an era of increasing immigration, but one unlikely to be resolved by zones dedicated to Body, Spirit and Learning and based on what our leaders learned during an afternoon with Donald Duck.

WHAT DO WE DO? This was answered by zones which tackled work, rest and play, which is all we ever do here apart from sleep, so there’s not really much point having a display about it – you might just as well look at us in real life, without zones. Obviously you’d have to pay us for the privilege, but that’s what tourism is all about

Another zone, which didn’t get quite so much PR fanfare, was the No Car Zone, which prevented anyone parking within two miles of the place.

The dome has been closed for years until now, when business has taken over. Now it’s the O2 – a venue for pop concerts. Simple. The government and the PR business obsess endlessly about sending signals and delivering messages. But content is the point.

When the first of our millennium domes was built, at Stonehenge, there wasn’t so much debate about what to put in it. Over here a display of grass. By the altar an exhibition of axes. See the sun rise at dawn on the Solstice. Just pop the white robe on and lie down on this slab. Goat rides. Face painting by the main entrance. Woad available. Toilets wherever you like.

We’ve lost a lot.