We're going to live forever

If you were considering a smoking holiday in the UK you’d better get a move on. From 1 July this egregious behaviour is against the law in all public enclosed spaces here, saving thousands of lives.

And since our government’s default approach is always to treat us as fools, no-smoking notices must now go up everywhere (cathedrals, massage parlours, opium dens) and there are dark rumours of Lung Ranger hit teams ready to swoop on those who disobey.

Since over a quarter of adults in the UK smoke, this new, er, wheeze has caused a fair amount of debate, mainly in pubs over a couple of pints and a pack of Woodbines but even smokers have seen the writing on the wall. They've always believed that you need to show your lungs who’s boss, but hey ho.

While all this is good news for notice-makers and bad news for ashtray manufacturers there are other industries which ought to seize the moment. For instance, the nicotine patch business. I've always enjoyed these since they dramatically upgrade the buzz you can derive from a pack of Capstan Full Strength – and that’s saying something.

But why confine the technology to nicotine?

Save time each morning with our breakfast portfolio – never mind the fridge, the pans and the stove, just slap on a bacon and egg patch while you make the tea. Traditionalists who demand an occasional smoked fish meal first thing can apply a pair of Arbroath Smokies patches – imaginatively shaped like the real thing. With one on either side of the torso this is genuine stereo food, and not to be missed by people like you – people at the cutting edge of human experience, people who will try anything once before filing suit.

The system works for all eating opportunities – our lunchbox specials, for instance, are the ultimate convenience food for people who need to keep going in the middle of the day – bond traders, crane drivers, fighter pilots, marathon runners, chess players, PR people etc.

Individual patches offer you three, four or seven course meals, balanced for nutritional value, and using differential release technology to ensure you get your dishes in the right order. All you need to do is get the coffee.

Obesity solved at a stroke, and there are other advantages – dentists will need to re-train. Every significant human advance must have its casualties, and it’s time dentists took their share.