Advice to illegal immigrants

Illegal immigration is back in the news here with rumours of a new French refugee camp at Sangatte, so here’s some advice in case you were thinking of participating in this foolish activity as part of your 21^st century lite "portfolio" career.

HOW TO ARRIVE. Don't climb into the wheel-bays of a 747 bound for Heathrow unless you want to arrive dead. Immigrating to the UK without papers when dead is still an offence. Much better to come ashore in your beached sperm-whale costume and then sneak off during a lull in the attempts to save your life.

WHERE TO LIVE. Don't bother with the countryside, which is designed to look nice but is where foreigners who suddenly pop up with no idea how to behave are likely to be dumped in the threshing machine. The best bet is to live close to someone who can forge the mountain of paperwork you're going to need.

HOW TO BEHAVE. Obviously you will never be able to behave properly since you're not British so you can opt for either anonymity or a silly hat. The former route depends on a working knowledge of our language and an ability to talk about absolutely anything from a position of total ignorance, but is difficult to sustain because of all the CCTV cameras – 25% of the world’s supply are trained on us.

The silly hat strategy is better since it marks you out as a maniac or a fly-fisher and people will generally avoid or humour you.

WHAT TO DO. While getting a job sounds like a good idea remember that summer is on its way and you're in time for the cricket season. It would be foolhardy to give up your rare position of being in England with nothing to do and yet not technically unemployed. So spend May through September at major cricket matches. This saves you the trouble of constantly being in touch with developments during the Test Matches. If you are a man you absolutely have to know what's going on. Total strangers will say:

* Did they get any reverse swing before lunch?

* Is Flintoff hungover or what?

* Pietersen was never leg-before

* Why are you wearing that silly hat?

* Are you an illegal immigrant?

It's funny how perceptive we can be.

Perhaps it would be better if you simply joined a multinational PR firm and asked to be seconded here. That way you don’t need a silly hat, and you can sell the sperm whale idea to a client.